Parents are their children’s first heroes. Yet, this is a title we take far too lightly. Even as we wish for our little ones to be the best, we send them mixed signals with our own personal behaviors.
Whether we recognise it or not, our kids constantly strive to please us, often by emulating us. As that old adage goes, imitation is indeed the most glorious form of flattery! Here are 10 parenting behaviors that need to stop immediately, to bring the best out of your child.
Casual Lying
A casual lie, a.k.a the white lie, is the first causality of careless parenting. On one hand, we stress on truth, integrity, and honesty for our children. But on the other hand, we so casually ask them to answer the phone at home and tell the caller that we are not around. Or, when the neighborhood aunt asks for our help, it takes us less than a minute to come up with an imaginative excuse to reiterate how busy we are. Or when our spouse asks if that shirt looks good, we nod amicably and then make a face when they are not around.
Sounds familiar? Children are enormously curious, eating up every single word, action and behavior pattern for emulation in the future.
So when you casually lie, your child is the first to catch it, literally and figuratively. Over time, your child will begin to think that it is perfectly okay to say one thing and do something else altogether. That is training them to have double standards. But remember, we started it merely with what we thought was a harmless white lie!
Too Eager to Rescue
This is you being the eager beaver just waiting to jump to your child’s rescue, every single time! While it is normal for parents to feel protective of their children, your child does not need “saving” as often as you think. Mollycoddling is the sure way to handicap your child for the future.
In fact, experts consistently prod young parents to loosen their strings. They even encourage parents to let their child fall a bit, as long as it is not serious. It will teach the little one to stand up again all on its own. And wouldn’t that make you more proud? The more you encourage your child to explore new things and take risks, the more you prepare him or her for potential failure. What is even better is that it also teaches your child to overcome life’s challenges, and achieve greater success.
Too Quick to Indulge
So here’s the hard truth: children excel at throwing tantrums. You can even consider it their natural talent! (Doesn’t every family have at least one “tantrum-throwing child”?) Your kid will find perfectly excusable reasons to demand more chocolate, more play time, less study time, less responsibility to clean up after themselves, and so forth. But what do parents do? They indulge their child because they feel guilty. They feel guilty of the time spent away from the child, guilty of being an over-anxious parent, and finally, guilty of giving in.
This is where experts categorise parents into two types, the responsible parent, and the indulgent parent. The responsible parent has the strength and patience to see through the child’s tantrums with mature intelligence.
For instance, let us say that you are late picking your little one from school, putting making them sad and possibly even put yourself on the target of social services. Will that bar of chocolate really fix your being late? Not really! It may give your child a few moments of indulgent happiness, but it can also train them to use guilt and tantrums to get what they want.
Responsible parents are able to see the difference between the need and greed of the child and choose wisely. If not, your indulgence will only complicate your child’s future.
Projecting a “Perfect” Façade
We all know that there is no such thing as “perfect”; even a child knows that. Yet, we often try to build this façade of being perfect parents. Guess what? Children are clever enough to sniff out the lie! Counselors advise young parents to be open with their children, sharing their experience and accepting responsibility for past mistakes.
If you encourage positive behavior in your child even as your share your own past (negative) experience, the child is likely to have less resistance to the correction. You have already made yourself “human”, and therefore, more approachable and more embraceable.
Unnecessarily Championing Your Child
Like most of us, children respond well to praise and encouragement. They thrive in it and are hence eager to win your approval. But if you are going to give it away far too easily, by praising them for the smallest (non) accomplishment, it could turn into overkill. For instance, are you the type of parent to “gift” your child each time he or she does something right (or close to that)?
Hopefully not, as that will eventually undermine your child’s achievements, and teach them to expect rewards even when they are simply average. They will also lose respect for your approval, as they no longer have to work for it. But the biggest threat is this – your over-the-top praise or reward can push your child towards a lifetime of mediocrity. Now, this one threat most parents are eager to disarm!
Raising them to be Puppets
We all love to have “good” children, who do no “wrong”. Wouldn’t that be an absolute blessing! But who determines, always, what is good versus bad, and right versus wrong? If your (seemingly) obvious answer is “Of course, me”, then your misguided parenting can adversely impact your child’s future!
Your child is nature’s miracle, with his or her own independent thoughts, beliefs, goals, and purpose. It is exceedingly important to encourage children to think independently even if their views sometimes conflict with our own. This will also teach them to handle conflict at later points in their life.
If we deny them this and raise them to be mere puppets, albeit good puppets, your child will only grow up to be a poor (read unintelligent) version of you. We are sure this is not your goal!
Playing too Safe
So your child wants to switch soccer teams, right in the middle of the season (if that is even possible). Yes, it can go terribly wrong, but only if your child takes no responsibility whatsoever to catch up and get on par. And you indulge the child’s casual attitude. Alternatively, it can also go wonderfully right, teaching your child to embrace reasonable risks, especially when they back it up with personal responsibility and hard work.
Now unless it is a make-or-break year (which could affect their future prospects like college), even if they fail, they will learn early to face life’s setbacks, and push forward to fulfill their goals. Are you going to deny them this precious opportunity simply because you are averse to risk? We hope not!
Being Over-Possessive
Statistics reveal that this happens more with the mothers than with fathers. Yet, it is a warning that holds true for every parent who gets far too attached to the child. In time, this attachment translates to ownership as the parent seizes control of every major decision – the child’s goals, friendships, and sometimes, even the marital partner!
Eventually, the child feels stifled with the parent’s possessiveness, resulting in an inevitable alienation between the parent and the child. It is for this reason that counselors consistently encourage parents to love and support deeply, even as they raise and set their children free, to express their own, unique, individuality.
There is no one who consciously sets out to be a bad parent, or wants to compromise his or her child’s future. In fact, higher attributes, such as love, sacrifice, responsibility, and gratitude, all come to us more easily when our children’s future is at stake. Don’t let that otherwise bright future be disrupted by these rookie mistakes.
(HealthGuide)
